Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The JAP Workout ©

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Exhibit A: The JAP Gym Bag

I had the opportunity to go with a friend of mine to the Reebok Sports Club for the first time this weekend. He's one of the few team members who compose the "Go-to Jewish Friends" group I organized after getting this job. He's been bragging about the facilities at his gym for as long as I've known him, but he didn't invite me until I admitted my slight infatuation with JAPs (Jewish American Princesses, i.e. snobby Jewish girls). I should add that when I did tell him this, he acted as if I had lifted a small weight off of his shoulder: "Dude, you can have them." Here a light bulb seemingly went off in his head and so was born my invitation to the gym: "You should go to the Reebok Club with me. The place is absolutely crawling with JAPS. I've seen Beyonce there once or twice as well."

Well, as it turns out, I wasn't exactly interested in seeing Beyonce. I wanted to meet a needy, whiny, self-involved Jewish girl, make her fall in love with me and then rock her world when I tell her I'm Catholic. Okay, so at least the first part's true. My first thought was that these kinds of girls wouldn't work out. After all
, the very term "work out" implies, well, work. As far as I can tell, work is taboo to a JAP.

My instincts were correct. While JAPs indeed go to the gym, working out is not at all involved. The following pictures are re-enactments of what I there found. Thanks go to my model--also a component of my "Go-to Jewish Friends" group--who asked not to be addressed by name.

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Exhibit B: 'Leg Raise JAP'

The JAP must always be reading a magazine while on the mats. One, because this negates the fact that she is actually engaging in work. And two, if another JAP were to see her actually 'getting into' her workout; she would be the laughing stock of the community. I don't know why this is; I just know that it is. If a JAP truly needs to workout, she does so on her own time. The gym membership is just for decoration. Oh yeah, the JAP always wears high heels when she works out.

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Exhibit C: 'Stairmaster JAP'

The JAP must always seem disinterested with her environment. She can not be amused and she is never entertained by what she is doing. Her attention has to be elsewhere. Thus, it is no wonder that a cell phone is the JAP's best friend while at the gym. And, as my friend would further claim: in the bedroom, at dinner or at a movie. The JAP's cell phone is essentially glued to her face as an escape route for the undeserving reality that surrounds her.

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Exhibit D: 'Treadmill JAP'

A JAP walks, not runs, while on the treadmill. This allows her to tend to more important matters, i.e. herself. See how our model here is grooming her nails with the file. A nail file is an essential prop found in a JAP's gym bag (see Exhibit A for other essential JAP gym bag contents)

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Exhibit E: 'Stationary Bicycle JAP'

Our last installment of the JAP workout is 'Stationary Bicycle JAP' Stationary Bicycle JAP is the epitome, nay, the prototype of all that Workout JAP strives to be: Disengaged, self-involved and non-working. She achieves this goal by paying strict attention to a key area on her body (her leg in this picture). This allows her to avoid eye contact with others. Notice how she is actually using the bicycle for support! The only reason she even rests her foot on the peddle is because it works to bring her leg higher so that she does not have to bend over too far while shaving. Yes, shaving. Her back is virtually upright, whereas any other girl bends over while showering to complete the task at hand.

After witnessing such absurdities, my friend asked me if I was still infatuated with JAPs.

Me: Are you kidding me? I just created 4 new JAP Barbie© dolls* and the beginnings of what will soon be an international "workout" sensation**. I'm going to be rich!

Him: You better be, because you'll never get a chance with a JAP if you're not.

* Mattel© :You know where to find me.
**Look out Billy Blank. There's a new sheriff in town.

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