SuperJew's Fashionable Party Hat
How did I know SuperJew was going to pull some self-centered, attention-producing act of sheer arrogance this morning, her last day? Well, it was a given to tell you the truth, but she has gone over the top. I’ve had a few last days in my time, and I can say with all honesty that I didn’t even regard the fact with so much as a handshake. Maybe an obligatory, “It was nice working with you, here’s my new contact information,” email, but never this.

Right as I sat down to my computer this morning, I saw an email pop up on my Outlook. (From: SuperJew; Subject: Bagels in the Kitchen).

I admit to biting the bait. I walked directly into the kitchen to capitalize on her blatant self-promotion (if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em). What I found there was more than a couple bagels with cream cheese packets. She had provided a complete spread, which, might I add, would give “The Last Supper” a run for its money:


When everyone had grazed the offerings, taken their share and returned to their respective desks, SuperJew, who, for some reason is wearing a Fedora hat this morning, waltzed around passing around gift bags. I shit you not. Gift. Bags. Like the office had—poof—transformed into some exclusive party, of which she is the gracious host.

Here are the contents of the gift bags:

-$50 - Gift certificate to Tiffany’s.
-$20 - Starbucks gift card
-A 2” x 2” framed picture of her and the Publisher
-A chocolate bar she had shipped in from Israel (it contains nougat; I hate nougat)
-A mezuzah
-A keychain

Okay, now I know what you’re thinking: “Not Chosen, you’re being a jerk. That’s so nice of her!”

I will give her credit in two regards and two regards only:

1) She included me (It's no secret that we hate eachother)
2) She included OrthoJew, who has only been here two days (and who SuperJew still refers to as ConservaJew, no doubt)

Otherwise, trust me – this has nothing to do with her being nice. Her motive is self-glorification, not altruism. Another theory of mine is that she has bad karma and she’s trying to “correct” it. I’m going to guess that her actions are the product of some middleground where both of these theories meet.

All in all though, a gift bag’s most important symbolic element is its underlying suggestion: “Good riddance, thanks for playing and the show is over.”

And, I’m so glad it is. Finally, I can put this to rest.