Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Friday, September 01, 2006

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The computers here were down all morning, which means I spent most of the day reading over submissions from weaker writers than our staff ones (I had no idea this was possible). I don't know what giant sea algae has to do with anything, but someone wrote about it and sent it my way. Seeing as how I have to read everything I get, I'm assuming this was a practical joke pulled by SuperJew's ghost or some other staffer who wants to punish me. I'm sure there are many of those; I run a tight ship.


I was getting ready to leave the office early, as is always the case on Fridays due to Shabbat (wink, wink), when the IT guy announced that he'd finally solved the computer problem. I decided to stay and post here since I don't know if it's kosher to talk about nipples after sun down, and by the time I get to my end of the island, it will definitely be dark. So, yeah, nipples...

Two brief pieces of background: 1) The Israeli girl gave birth about two months prior to me starting here. I had no idea, and I must say, she looks great given that information. 2) Fridays are somewhat of a party around here. People tend to be a bit more relaxed due to the half day; a lot of our local advertisers stop in and check out the issue's progress and the Publisher's wife is always in. So, I guess when I say "party," I'm not actually implying "fun," I'm just implying "different than usual."

Taking these two points into consideration, you might understand why I thought Fridays were just getting hotter when, after one of the female advertisers walked in the office doors with her crying baby, the Publisher's wife gave the Israeli girl some worried look, grabbed some napkins and ran over to her. Then, with the napkins she started patting down the Israeli girl's chest while the Israeli girl covered her own ears.

Huh? Was I in the middle of Jewish Girls Gone Wild? (And if so, can I recast so as to remove the Publisher's wife?).

Unfortunately, I was not. As it turns out, some women actually instictively lactate at the sound of a baby crying. According to office lore, this usually happens for about a year after they give birth. Evidently, the Israeli Girl falls into this statistical pool. Everyone else in the office already knew what was going on, meaning, they yawned as I was having somewhat of a coronary.

I think I liked my version of the story better. I mean, "Jewish Girls Gone Wild" kind of has a ring to it. Better than "Lactating Mother is Leaking Through Her Shirt and Needs a Swabbing," which doesn't necessarily roll of the tongue. Whatever you call it, though, this was the poorest excuse for a wet T-shirt contest that I've ever seen. Next time, try harder ladies (and let's go ahead and ditch the fat one). Thanks.

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