Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Friday, September 08, 2006

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"I sire thee an 'adult' (of the short, immature, still-plays-with-toys variety)."



Okay, guys, let's talk about Bar/Bat Mitzvahs here for a moment. In contrast to the usual questions I pose on this site, the following are ones that you might want to ask yourselves.

For as long as I've been working with you (where you = my Jewish reading population), I haven't thought you to be a tacky bunch. Now that I'm doing a piece on Bar/Bat Mitzvahs for the mag, I'm starting to wonder if I should have been more cautious when jumping to this conclusion. While I do realize that an Italian guy calling anyone "tacky" is subject to much scutiny under the "pot calling the kettle black" clause, this might be an exception to the rule.*

So, a Mitzvah is a commandment or any other Jewish rule. There are 613 Mitzvahs in the Torah. The Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are two of them. When a boy becomes "Bar Mitvah" he is said to become responsible for his actions. Here are a few Mitzvahs that I didn't come across when doing my research. Who wants to take responsibility for these?

The "Theme Party Mitzvah":

"The Three Amigos Theme Party Mitzvah"


"The Hollywood Theme Party Mitzvah"


"The Pink Dog Wearing an Initialed Cape Sitting on Top of a Cake Mitzvah"


"The Invitation is Tackier Than the Whole Damn Event So People are Scared to Attend Mitzvah"

The "Theme Party Mitzvah" is characterized by gaudy scenery, designs or fantasy figures associated with
the celebration at hand. Does it say, "This is my last day to be a kid, so let's take it over the top?" Or does it rather say, "My parents know that a 13-year old is not really an adult but they're going to go with it anyway?" In severe cases, it might even say, "My parents are living vicariously through my youth and making me look really bad in the process, but I can't say anything because they're paying."

Ah, The "Self-Designed CD Mitzvah":

I mean, let's be real here. Who's going to pop this baby into their CD player to relive the memories of your rockin' shindig? Bonus: Upload it onto iTunes and put it into their iPods as its own group?!

The "Little Boys Dancing to an Instructor Like They're in a Jazzercise Class Mitzvah":

There is no excuse for this. None. It reminds me of the scene in the movie Wedding Singer, where Drew Barrymore picks the dopey fat kid and makes him feel cool. No, boys, this is not, nor will it ever be, cool.

The "Caricature Mitzvah":


Boy, doesn't Yaacov look handsome with those big buck teeth! What a stunning man he's become over the years!
And Avram, he's never played the drums in his life, but he sure would like to!

The "Your Name in Balloons Mitzvah":

If this doesn't scream maturity and adulthood, then really, what does?

The "Whatever the Hell This Is Mitzvah":

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Do I even need to comment? This is so not okay.

That's all from me. Just wanted to add my two cents. After all, you always let me know when you disapprove of something.


*To all the easily offended in the audience - Remove stick from ass. Laugh.

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