Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The meeting of Not Chosen’s Group of Go-To Jewish Friends was called to order at Shalal, a cave-like bar that you’ve probably never been to, located at 70th & Columbus. Not Chosen proposed to convene over way too many drinks at this location once a month. Meeting proceedings are to be followed by a neighborhood bar crawl, which will cover the greater Upper West Side and culminate in a group puking into a communal toilet…Most likely, Not Chosen’s.

Group of Go-To Jewish Friends
(Meeting Minutes: September 9, 2006)
(Shalal, 70th & Columbus)

Present: Aviva, Brian, Adam, Aaron, Tal, Lee and Not Chosen
Absent: Paula (who is not Jewish anyway)

Others Present:
Bartender, Justin
Other: Patrons of the bar

1. Meeting called to order at 10:00 p.m.

1.1 Not Chosen recommends that the organization should conduct meetings in the current location over the winter. After brief discussion, the Group of Go-To Jewish Friends agrees.

1.2 Brian suggests that the Group of Go-To Jewish Friends recovered nicely from the brief bump in the road that resulted from the JAP exercise routine.

1.3 Adam agrees with Brian, but adds that Not Chosen should not have been apologetic. That he is the face of this institution and his actions reflected poorly on all. “You came off like a little bitch when you apologized for doing nothing wrong,” were Adam’s exact words. After brief discussion, Not Chosen agrees that he indeed came off like a little bitch. He motions to never apologize again for anything and this motion is seconded, passed and toasted to (Grey Goose, splash cranberry).

2. Finance Committee report

2.1 Aviva informs the Group of Go-To Jewish Friends that shirt sales are steady, but not impressive. She asks Not Chosen if he actually expected to sell any. Not Chosen says that he did not, but it would have been nice.

2.2 Aaron reminds Not Chosen that he promised to offer shirts featuring SuperJew duking it out with OrthoJew. He suggests that sales from these shirts would bring in some serious funds, which would be allocated to the Group of Go-To Jewish friends' drinking budget.

2.3 After brief discussion of the shirt issue, Not Chosen agrees to put forth an effort to get those out shortly and a motion to make "SuperJew vs. OrthoJew" the next shirt to hit the Not Chosen, Just Posin’ fashion line is seconded, passed and toasted to (Southern Comfort and Lime shots).

3. Other business:

3.1 Tal informs Not Chosen that if he has any questions pertinent to Judaism, now is the time to ask them.

3.2 Not Chosen certainly does have questions. In order of importance (least to most):

i. Why do Jews get to take off Christian holidays but Christians don’t get to take off Jewish ones?

ii. Like every religion, culture, nationality or family, Jews also believe they abide to “Jewish Standard time.” In context: “Oh, David is late. He must be running on Jewish Standard Time again. Ha! Ha!” How is this Jewish Standard Time any different from British Standard Time? Or, say, Johnson family Standard Time?

iii. Do Jews suffer from a guilt complex or not? There are rumors alluding to both options.

iv. In regards to the comments received from the JAP workout, it seems that there are members of the American Jewish population who feel as if they are victims. Despite their abundant representation in the media, Hollywood and other elite industries, do some of them honestly feel as if they are not given equal opportunity or are looked down upon? Is this victimization complex justified by their families’ sufferings? And if so, should we expect them to extend the same sympathies to other cultures/races that similarly pull the victimization card?

3.3 Lee interrupts Tal in order to answer Not Chosen’s questions in order of appearance:

i. Don’t speak those words too loudly. We’ve been getting away with this double holiday gig for years now and we’re, in no way, ready to give it up... Especially due to someone overhearing your drunk-ass pondering this heretical smut aloud in a bar that looks like a cave.

ii. Jewish Standard Time is different from other culture/religions’ Standard Time because it can team up with a culture’s standard time to double the lateness factor. In context: “Oh, David is running late. He must be running on Russian Standard Time and Jewish Standard Time. Ha! Ha!” While it is true that Catholic Standard Time can team up with Italian Standard time (or otherwise), you Italians aren’t smart enough to use this fact to your advantage.

iii. Depends on the Jew, really. Us Jews are clever enough to use the line to our advantage based on the situation at hand. If admitting to suffering fromthe “Jewish guilt complex” will help us out, then, ta-da!, we suffer from Jewish guilt. If it won’t work to our advantage, then, sorry, we don’t have a guilt complex like you pathetic Catholics.

iv. There are bitter bastards of every race, religion, culture. Don’t judge the whole religion by its worst specimens. Sometimes people like feeling victimized. In fact, some even consider it a demented form of foreplay. Your nastier commenters probably headed to the bathroom and whacked off after leaving their venom on your site.

3.4 Not Chosen absorbs the data. He is akwardly delighted that people get off on his site; says “okay, cool,” seconds it, passes it and toasts to victimization as a kinky form of foreplay (Liquid Cocaine for the men; a blow job for Aviva – or is that backwards?)

4. Assessment of the Meeting:

4.1 Adam notes that the past two meetings have run over the intended two-hour time slot by half an hour, and it’s time to head out on the bar crawl. He asks members to be more mindful and focused during discussions, and suggests that Lee take an action to identify solutions to this issue.

4.2 Lee notes that Adam has been a bit unpleasant this evening (Is he PMS'ing?) and that the others are really getting sick of his attitude.

4.3 Tal, ever the peace-keeper, suggests a group shot (Tequilla and O.J.), pays the bill and leads the gang out the door.

4.4 Tal turns to Not Chosen and tells him how much he owes him.

• Meeting adjourned at 12:30 a.m.

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