Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Thursday, September 14, 2006


The two problems with OrthoJew.

As you know, OrthoJew bores me just enough that I often daydream about getting her fired and replacing her with someone a bit more entertaining. Until now, however, she’s done nothing wrong (despite numbing me with her pedantic work habits and lack of communication skills). Of course, if you ask anyone else, they might say she’s the perfect employee. I, too, was beginning to buy into the fact that she was some type of demented workhorse whose job was on eternal lockdown. That is, until I witnessed two of her faults with my own two eyes.

Those faults?

1) She’s cheap and bossy. Not a good combination.

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Every morning I call in a breakfast order for delivery. I send around an email to everyone in the office to see if they want to add on to it. This is not because I’m nice; it’s because my personal orders aren’t large enough to render a delivery. If no one else orders, I’d have to go pick up the food myself. I’m lazy.

Everyone who responds with an order is polite: “Do you mind ordering me an apple and a coffee? Thanks!” But, OrthoJew’s replies are more like this: “Scrambled eggs, double order of toast. Make sure they give me extra ketchup.” I would have never expected her to be such a bitch. Plus, last time she ordered through me she didn't have change for a ten. I told her to give me the two bucks she owed me for her juice whenever she got change. Two days later and I still didn't have it, so I asked her to just pay for my bagel yesterday. Somehow this made me look bad; like I was that cheap. As it turns out, I am that cheap, but really, I shouldn't have to chase you down for money owed. And I hold myself to the same standard. No one ever has to chase me down.


So, this morning I decided to leave her email address off of my breakfast order distribution list. When she walked in, she asked me if I was going to order. “Sorry, I already did,” I told her. “But you can call and add on if you like.” She huffed of with a pissy, “No thanks.

Now she won’t even look at me. I ran into her in the hallway a half hour later and she faced the ground. Now I feel blessed that she doesn’t talk often because when she does speak, it’s pretty obnoxious.

2) She’s Needy. Never an attractive quality.

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I thought I was the only one who didn’t like her. Guess not. I received this beauty in my inbox this morning. I must commend the sender on her perfect timing.

From: OrthoJew Hater
To: Not Chosen
Subject: It.
Date: Weds, 13 Sep 2006 20:29:07

Not Chosen,

I trust you won’t share this with anyone and I usually don’t write these kind of things, but I just have to get this off of my mind. What’s up with the new girl?

As far as I know, she doesn’t even have a associates degree. She is totally self-taught and does not know shit. She doesn't even know what the difference between an editorial and a profile is. I have to explain everything to her!

The main problem is that she asks me questions all day long, and it’s starting to hinder my productivity. I assume this is because she does not want to bother you or the Publisher. She asks me to proofread every single thing she writes and wants my advice on the things she’s setting out to write. She’s also a shitty writer. This I’m sure you can agree on. If you’ve ever thought that I or anyone else was bad, she takes the taco.


Here’s the thing: I am not a teacher and I am not the boss. I feel like she should not be coming to me with everything. She's not an intern. She's a full time employee! Am I being a bitch or can you agree with me that this is wrong? We are a three people team. We all have to do our part. If I'm doing the job of two people, why do we need her?

Anyhow, your opinion means a lot to me. You’ve been in the business longer than I have. What do you think of the situation? Am I over-exaggerating? Do you think that I should continue helping her?

Also, how’s everything going for you so far?

Oh yeah, I just bought a Mini Coopper. It will be here in 5 weeks! It’s red with the British flag on the roof.

Thanks for keeping this between you and me.

-OrthoJew Hater


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Well, well, well. This is good news and bad news. While I would love to accidentally forward this email to my boss, I can’t. I also can’t approach OrthoJew about it or she’ll know that she was ratted out. Anyone know how to leverage this new material in my favor without outing the office’s Deepthroat? And even more important, how do I convince Deepthroat to retract the order on that mini cooper? I don’t even think she’s British. Wow.

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