I can see it now: "Are you a bad Jew?
Take this test to find out... And, oh yeah, if you find it necessary to take this test for that reason, I'd say it's pretty safe to assumethat you ARE a bad Jew. Thanks for playing."

Every month I present The Publisher with ten story ideas I’d like to see in the magazine. Every month he throws at least half into the slush pile. Fortunately for me, I’m starting a Jewish tabloid, wherein the articles in the slush pile will eventually be my special features. Kinda like my mom always said, “Your trash is my treasure.”

Here are two of the few ideas that were dissed by The Publisher (in favor of local restaurant advertorials and “neutral subject matter”):

1) This whole thing about ethnicity versus religion*

So, let’s make a decision once and for all: Ethnicity? Religion? Both? There are too many arguments on either sides. There has to be a common ground. In this article, I’d like to find it, set up a tent there and plop down for a while.

* I know, I know. I am way out of my league trying to broach such a topic, but hey, I'm running out of ideas... Plus, if he would've approved it, I would have pawned it off onto one of the poor saps I work with.

2) Bad Jew vs. Good Jew.

Versus

[Main image: Madonna duking it out with a Rabbi]

Oh wait, Madonna’s not a bad Jew, she’s a fake Jew. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Is there such thing as being a bad Jew? It makes sense doesn’t it? Well, evidently, it depends on how you look at the situation. If you are born into it, like, say an Italian (uh-hem) is born into his ethnicity, then there is no way you can be a bad Jew. That would be similar to saying you are bad at being born, which is a point immediately negated by the fact that you are, in fact, alive. Now, if you are talking strictly religious practices, there must be some sort of guidelines one must abide by. And wherever there are guidelines, there are those who fail and those who excel. I propose we go ahead and make a decision about this argument too.

We could then send out press releases announcing to the world that we are experts on this matter, and that we have taken it upon ourselves to answer this question once and for all. You're welcome, by the way.

[Sidebar: Pictures of different Jews with a caption that is similar to, but cooler than: Bad Jew or Good Jew? You decide.]

Note: Over at Jewbiquitous (a site that I must refer to regularly to keep my information straight), the writers have presented an “Off the Derech” test (evidently means, “Off the path,”) where you can find out if you’re a good Jew or not (the concept alone implies that there IS a difference between good and bad Jews. Jewbiquitous contends that there is no such thing as a Bad Jew). I’d like to propose a similar test in the magazine, only it would be a lot racier and provocative; something similar to one of those “Is he into me?” quizzes that you find in womens' mags. He’ll love it!

Okay, I lie, the publisher would never go for this. In fact, he'd absolutely hate it. Believe it or not, he’s just as frightened of his readers as he is of his wife. On that note, you should see the articles that he did approve. Needless to say, they are the ones that I proposed after thinking to myself, "What is it that I would least enjoy reading? Ah ha, got it!"