Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Tuesday, October 31, 2006


I completely forgot it was Halloween until I got on the train this morning and saw some chick wearing a flourescent pink tutu with polka dot leggings. I thought to myself, "What the hell is she wearing?" Then it occurred to me.

When I arrived, OrthoJew's husband was dropping her off. He had on a crown and red cloak. She was dressed as some ancient princess thing.
I lied to her and told her she looked good. She said, "Thanks, I'm Esther and my husband's Ahasuerus." I thought Madonna was Esther, but seeing as how Madonna is so symbolic and deep, I figured there had to be much more to this whole Esther story so I didn't ask who she was. (I've since looked it up, and that's the only reason I know how to spell her husband's name). By the way, I despise couples that dress up in matching sets. Tell me: Why do they feel compelled to do this?

The Silent Designer wasn't dressed up, but I wouldn't expect that of him.


The Other Designer, who has taken to sulking lately and is no longer kissing the Publisher's ass to get a promotion, has a Freddie Kruger tie on with a trucker hat.



The Girl with the Annoying Long Island Accent is wearing one of those $3 plastic outfits for kids. She's a Care Bear.


The Publisher's Wife is also some kind of Princess or Fairy Godmother concoction, although I think she's more suited for some horns and a tail. I've taken to altering her outfit as I see fit.


The Publisher is Groucho Marx (kind of). He's wearing the mustache and glasses. No dancing, no soundless singing, no nothin'. I have to admit, I feel a bit jipped.

The Secretary who Reeks of Cigarettes decided not to stink today.

When asked why I wasn't dressed up, I thought to myself, "Every day is Halloween for me. I need a day off for Christ's sakes. Plus, you guys look like a bunch of assholes."

What I said, of course, is a different story: "Forgot it was Halloween. Didn't get the memo," bla, bla, bla.

All of this brings me to a very important question: What happened to girls dressing up like whores on Halloween? Princesses and Fairy Godmothers are sweet and all, but whores are always the best option. I think it was them who didn't get the memo. In the future, please remember that with just a minor amount of work any Halloween outfit can be made whorish:



Exhibit A: The Sexy Care Bear. Compare this to the first Care Bear. Big difference, eh? Make a mental note and don't fail me next year. I'm creating a new motto: When in doubt, dress like a whore. It's that easy.

I mean, Esther? Sheesh.

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