Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Friday, October 06, 2006


I didn’t even realize The Publisher was hiring until I saw 3 candidates (all seemed way too young, or maybe I’m just too…) prance into his office yesterday afternoon (a fourth came in this morning).

After the hiring procession fled yesterday afternoon, The Publisher buzzed me at my desk and asked me if I had a few minutes to listen to him complain. My immediate reaction was that I had screwed something up in the issue, which went to print earlier this week. Did I forget a pull-quote? Grammatical error? Or, did I accidentally leave his wife off of the masthead, where her name hovers over the title “Co-Publisher”? That would truly be a shame, by the way. She does so much and deserves credit for her efforts.

But, no, it was none of that.

“Are you ready?" He asked me without waiting for my response. "Okay, so the first girl that came in was really nice, but she was a retard. She used to work at The Atlantic, which is why I wanted to hire her, but no. Onto the second girl. When I asked her if she liked to write, she said, ‘it’s okay.’”

“I assume that you listed that this job involves heavy writing?” I chimed in as if to really say, 'I'm on your side, buddy. What a dumbass she is! No one can be as perfect as us, eh?'

“Of course I did. She was just an idiot. I cut the interview short saying that I didn’t want to waste her time, even though she was the one wasting mine. The third girl interviewed very well…that is, up until the end when I asked her if she had any questions. She actually pulled out a list of questions. Question 1: 'What is your corporate culture?'”

“What the hell kind of question is that? I mean, the secretary walks around smoking in the office and your wife’s dress has seashells on it. Can’t she tell what the corporate culture is?”

“Wait, the secretary smokes in the office? My wife's dress has seashells on it?”

“Yeah, I thought you knew. Anyway...”

“Interesting. Yes, anyway though. Question 2: 'What vision do you have for your company?' At this point, I told her to put down her fucking list—well, I didn’t say 'fucking'—but I told her to put it away and be flexible. This isn’t a college interview course.”

"Wow," I said as if in awe.

So, that was that. This morning a guy came in, evidently a lot later than he was scheduled. As I walked by, I heard The Publisher say, “You’re late. That’s your second strike. Your first strike was that you didn’t capitalize Thursday and Friday in your email. It shows that you aren’t taking this seriously.”

I then heard the applicant wimper a pathetic, "I'm sorry."

That’s all I know though. I’ve never seen The Publisher act like this. It’s great. Maybe he has acknowledged the power struggle he has at home and will start overcompensating in the office? As long as he takes it out on others and not me, I’ll consider it comic relief. I have a feeling The Secretary Who Reeks of Cigarettes will be his next victim, although I hope not. I really like her. I didn’t mean to rat her out. Plus, I thought he knew she smoked in the office. My bad.

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