Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

"Nobody puts OrthoJew in the corner."
Okay, fine. Everybody does.

I didn't even bother to ask why OrthoJew wasn't here on Monday. The Publisher didn't offer the information and there was really no need to question a good thing. I'd rather use my energy to rejoice. I admit that I did a bit of quiet speculating: Maybe she's sick. Maybe she had a "family emergency." Maybe, just maybe, she quit? I knew it wasn't the latter because I would be one of the first to know, but a man can dream, right?

Yesterday she caught me off guard when she came to work sunburned. I laughed a bit to myself thinking that she went to a tanning salon (and laughed even further thinking that she might actually believe a tan could do anything for her hopeless cause).

It was about 90 degrees in the office and everyone was complaining and asking the Secretary Who Reeks of Cigarettes to, please, call the building management and have them do something about it. Here, OrthoJew says that she's cold and makes the universal sign for shivering. Brrrr...

What the hell was she talking about? We were all sweating like pigs (it was very unkosher, this type of sweating). Later in the day, the Other Designer was complaining that his food was too spicy. OrthoJew retorted that he's a wimp and that "I'm used to it." Huh? She's a pretty pasty broad and easily strikes me as more of a boring meat and potatoes type than an exotic, spicy food type. I could be wrong, but I really don't think so.

Finally, the Israeli Girl, speaking for all of us, asked OrthoJew what the hell her face was all red about? Did you go tanning? OrthoJew said that her and her husband went to Puerto Rico for a long weekend. "Maybe that's why the heat isn't bugging me" and again, "I'm used to it."

The Other Designer cuts in, "That explains your sudden superb tolerance for spicy food. Did you acquire a new tongue while you were there? Train your palette?"

Admittedly, I kind of felt sorry for her, so I interrupted and asked her why she chose Puerto Rico over Miami or somewhere closer? She replied that they didn't want to "chance" the weather. They knew Puerto Rico would be warm, but couldn't be so sure about Florida. Well, la-di-da.

This was the end of our twenty questions session. On the one hand, I truly did feel sorry for the chick - we all make way too much fun of her - but on the other hand, I've always despised people who go on vacation and then come back either acting like:

A). They know everything about the culture there.

Ex: "If you order a Cafe Americano in Italy, they just look at you like you're an idiot. Ever since I came back I refuse to order them because I realized they're just a big marketing scheme." Yeah, no shit - you had to travel all the way to Italy to figure that out?

B). They are actually from the place.

Ex: Madonna/Madge/Esther

C). In the course of a few days, they grew so accustomed to the other country's culture/climate/customs, that they have to endure a readjustment period when they return.

Ex: OrthoJew pretending she's cold. "This is nothing compared to Puerto Rico."

People who complain about jet lag (which is usually a ploy to further brag about their travels) also annoy me. That's the end of my story. It's hot as hell in here. I've gotta go get OrthoJew a coat and scarf.

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