...Because it's the only way I could preserve the alliteration demanded by the Manwhore.
I'm late on the Christmas edition of Manwhore Monday only because I didn't know one existed. In fact, I was considering getting rid of his column all together until a Christmas miracle occurred. The Manwhore and the Israeli Girl have rekindled the old flame. I take full credit for this.
This is how it happened.
The Manwhore was in Victoria's Secret buying gifts for one of his four current girlfriends. The Israeli girl miraculously walked by the store and saw him. She texted him, "I hope she's worth it." The Manwhore--never one to lack a good excuse--wrote back to her immediately, saying that he was buying a gift for his sister. [In case you're wondering, his sister is the spitting image of him, chipmunk cheeks and all]. Now, while the Manwhore doesn't technically need to lie to her since they aren't together, the Manwhore interpreted her jealousy as a "Welcome Home" banner, which it basically was. He took her to dinner that night.
I asked him if he made her pay because, as I mentioned, the bastard doesn't like to part with his money.
He shrugged and said, "Of course," as if it was his normal protocol. Trust me. It's not.
I've always been curious as to what his "girlfriends" think their place is in his life. Do they know he's just with them temporarily or do they think he's is a long-term potential mate? There's no way it's the latter, right? Wrong.
I know this because, for Christmas, the Greek girl gave him a 80 GB iPod ($350) and the Puerto Rican gave him a Bose iPod SoundDock ($299). It's almost as if they know about each other and compared notes, although it's unfortunately (for you and I) not so. I don't know what the other two girlfriends got him. In fact, I don't even know that I've met the other two. I have an idea about one of them. He sent an email to my phone with a sideshot of some blonde girl in a spandex outfit. The text read: "This is my new client!" Perhaps their relationship was not developed enough to constitute presents at Christmas. As far as I know, the Manwhore did nothing for any of them aside for taking the Israeli girl to dinner. Hopefully we'll be seeing more of her.
In other Manwhore-related news, I got a call from him last night. "I just heard on the radio that there are UFOs flying over Chicago!" He sounded like a crazed man, but even so, I checked it out on the Internet. As it turns out, there actually were reports of unidentified flying objects over O'Hare, but nothing was confirmed. They never confirm anything. The Manwhore scoffed at me, "People in Mexico City always see UFOs. It's not that big of a deal." Since I know for a fact that the Manwhore isn't Mexican, nor has he ever been to Mexico, I'm assuming his fourth girlfriend is Mexican.