Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Monday, January 08, 2007


The Manwhore rejected a booty call this weekend. His excuse was that he didn’t want to travel all the way to Staten Island for an hour of sex, only to have to travel back. I mentioned that this wasn’t like him, checked his forehead to see if he had a fever and asked him why he didn’t invite the girl over to his place (it was the Puerto Rican girl)? This spawned a list of many rules one must follow to establish Manwhore status. “Manwhore-isms,” if you will:

1. Never invite a girl to your house. Always go to her place. Women get attached to “ideas of how things could be,” so if she sees your belongings and surroundings, she will have more ammunition to add to her vision of your future together. Trust me, she has one. Plus, 9 out of 10 times you have incriminating evidence of something lying around.

2. If you go to her house, avoid spending the night. This could elicit many tragedies, including, but not limited to, snuggling and enjoying a forced breakfast together.

3. Let another guy take your girl out and then go in for the close. Many girls will attempt to make you jealous by mentioning that another guy is taking them out. If you are put into this situation--rejoice!--and then tell her it’s fine; that you would love to see her after her date. This way, some poor schmuck gets stuck with the bill and you reap all of the benefits.

4. Be careful with tactic #3. The girl might start liking you more because you’re not jealous. It might be worthwhile to act just a little jealous so she doesn’t lose her confidence. It’s never fun to sleep with an insecure girl. They start doing weird things like asking you to turn off the lights during sex and mentioning that, “yes, the rumor’s true: I am the marriage type.”

5. Do not meet the parents, whatever you do. No need for explanation there.

6. Mention that you are sick of dating and are at the stage in your life where you are ready to settle down with someone. This tactic must be used the first time you meet the girl. It is absolutely NOT safe to use this any time thereafter. You see, if you use it on day 1, she could, in no way, assume that you are specifically talking about her. Day 2, however, is a totally different story. This goes back to Manwhore-ism number 1: She is creating some ideal and each new date is a new building block. The blocks will eventually build a monster. Use this method on a case-by-case basis.

7. If the girl says she’s a football (basketball or hockey) fan, run the other way! This could only mean two things: She’s picked up the habit for you (which is a sign that she’s pathetic and needy) or she has brothers who will eventually hunt you down and kill you. Seriously, beware.

I think that was it. I always tell myself that I should carry a notebook around for times like these, but I never do. It might be wise to print this list out and keep it in your pocket.

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