Here’s a “behind the scenes” of what goes on before you receive a present from the Publisher’s Wife.

Note: The only way you’ll ever receive a present from the Publisher’s Wife is if you contribute money to the magazine/her livelihood/her various addictions. You should have seen my holiday bonus. If I didn’t know any better, I’d hold her in contempt, assume I was fired, etc.

1. Publisher’s Wife asks the Secretary to get a present for one of our advertisers who just had a baby.

2. The Secretary buzzes her and says, “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

3. The Publisher’s Wife lashes out, “I don’t give a fuck. I don’t have time for this. Just get something neutral.”

4. An hour later, the Secretary walks in with a basket donning neutral baby toys and three bibs with the advertiser’s tri-part logo emblazoned upon them. She sets it down outside the Publisher's Wife's door as if a sacrifice, and runs away.

5. The Publisher’s Wife gushes over them behind the Secretary’s back.

6. When the Secretary walks back in, the Publisher’s Wife non-chalantly says it looks good and wonders if there is anyone else who should get a similar basket?

7. The Silent Designer (who has been truly living up to his nickname lately) offers that, "Yes, so and so from so and so is also pregnant."

8. The Publisher’s Wife bats down this suggestion, saying “We’re Jewish. We’re superstitious. We don’t give a baby a present until it’s born,” as if she's not only giving him an impromptu lesson about his religion, but explaining a very important nuance that he must understand to, you know, get by in life.

9. The Silent Designer is not humbled as is the intended effect. He says, “Yes, giving a present to an unborn very well may kill it.”

Congratulations on your new baby!

The End.