Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Friday, February 16, 2007


Liveblogging: P-gate

9:03 AM: Just walked in the door. Four of us were waiting for someone with a key so we could get let in. P-gate was not one of the four.

9:16 AM: No call, no show from P-gate. I write to the Silent Designer and asked if he'd heard anything. He hadn't.

9:28 AM:
Still no P-gate. The Publishers aren't here to witness this.

9:35 AM:
I suggest to the Silent Designer that maybe the Publisher fired P-gate over the phone last night. He writes back that, "No, not possible. I had my balls last night," meaning that the Publisher would have had to borrow someone else's in order to get the job done right.

9:40 AM:
The Silent Designer gets a text from P-gate that he'll be here late. Ya think?

9:58 AM:
P-gate is code 6. He has entered the premises.

10:27 AM:
NEWS FLASH. P-gate tells the Silent Designer that he's going to try to leave early.

12:29 PM:
The Publisher and the accountant call the Silent Designer into the office. The Publisher tells the SD that he's leaving but he's going to have the accoutant tell him at 3:00. The Silent Designer's theory is confirmed: the Publisher indeed needed to borrow someone else's balls.

1:35 PM:
Waiting, waiting. I decide that since Monday's a holiday, I'll have to skip Manwhore Monday. But wait! Lo and behold, there's a light at the end of the tunnel: Wolfie Wednesdays. Oh my.

1:42 PM:
BaconJew comes up to my desk and tells me his latest two ideas. One is a kosher lean cuisine type diet program for Orthodox Jewish women looking to lose weight. The other I can't tell because I've been sworn to secrecy.

2:00 PM: The girlfriend writes me a naughty email to my private account.

2:16 PM: Waiting. Waiting.

2:18 PM: The Silent Designer reports that P-gate has been given clearance to leave early (little does he know he will be leaving eternally...)

2:34 PM: I realize that Heeb's new "Love" issue is out and I'm not in it. Guess I'm old news. Back in my more popular days, they considered doing a feature about my Jap fettish. I'll share the "List of Reasons I love Japs" with you next week. The girl who I sent it off to told me that she had to clean it up a little so it didn't come off as anti-Semitic. I then wondered how a list about me loving Jewish girls could be perceived as hateful? I'll let you be the judge(s).


3:00 PM: Nothing

3:16 PM: Wondering if the accountant needs to borrow a pair.


3:23 PM:
The accountant calls the Silent Designer AND Pgate into his office.

3:29 PM:
The Silent Designer exits the office, wide-eyed and says to me "Whoa. I will avoid that from now on." The accountant didn't really know the whole story (because, why would he? This isn't his job)

3:32 PM:
The accountant walked into P-gate's area and said that he just got off the phone with the Publisher's Wife. She says for him to make a list of files he needs for the Silent Designer, who will create a c.d.

3:34 PM
: The Silent Designer is IM'ing me telling me that P-gate's eyes are red. The tension in the room is ridiculous. Now we both feel really bad.

3:35 PM:
P-gate grabs a copy of each issue he's worked on in the last year. He asks the Silent Designer how long he's know about this. The Silent Designer admits that he's known for a while. While in the room, the accountant blamed it on the Silent Designer, saying that he initiated it. P-gate asks what he did wrong so he can avoid it next time.

3:37 PM
: The Silent Designer gives it to him cold. "It was your work ethic for me and for the Publishers it was your constant absence."

3:38 PM:
The Silent Designer tells P-gate that a lot of people have been intervening on his behalf.

3:40 PM:
With that, P-gate leaves the building.

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