Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007


T-2 days until one of the designers (The Other Designer, not the Silent one) gets kicked to the curb.

Personally, I’m not sure why it’s taken this long.

Let’s look at the Publishers’ track record thus far.

  • The salesgirl who pulled in more than 100k per year, for instance—she got canned on a whim for who knows what (My theory is she was shagging the boss man, but that’s just perverted speculation)

  • Sales guy who was giving leads to the competition. Okay, a minor mishap on his part

  • SuperJew didn’t get fired, but she did quit because of the ironic “no dating other employees” rule (oddly set by a married couple who owns a successful company together..?) Hell, I wouldn’t want to walk in on them getting dirty in the kitchenette either, though.


  • Anyway, the Other Designer is the only person in the history of this company who actually deserves to be fired and they’ve been pussyfooting around it for months now. (FYI: I really love the word “pussyfooting”)

    Let me tell you of his sins:

    Actually, no. Let’s just say that ever since he didn’t get the opportunity to steal the Silent Designer’s position ages ago (Silent Designer almost quit in lieu of SuperJew), the Silent Designer has had to take home work every night and every weekend because the Other Designer isn't pulling his weight. The Publishers have asked SD several times if he should get rid of the Other Designer. Yes, yes, yes. Yet they still haven’t done it because they know he has a kid. I was pretty impressed by this rationale considering it was actually the result of a human emotion and I didn’t know the bosses had those. In any case, the Silent Designer finally told them that their reasoning was cute and all, but if the Other Designer was worried about his kid, he’d do his job to support her.

    Yesterday, the Other Designer left early because his kid had a half day. That was the final straw. The Publisher asked the Silent Designer for the 78th time if he should fire the O-Designer.

    Yes, damnit.

    Then, in an act that truly defined the character of the Publisher’s Wife, she sent around a mass email informing everyone that the O-Designer was getting fired.

    I think we have a leak, however, because the following is the conversation the Silent Designer and I shared over IM this morning. Note: The Other Designer’s name starts with a P, so P-Gate is the name of this covert operation.

    Me: What’s up with P-gate?
    Silent Designer: I don’t think he knows yet
    SD: he sure was asking funny question though
    Me: what did he say?
    SD: he asked, “did anything happen yesterday”
    SD: i was like no
    SD: got some banners
    SD: no copy
    SD: then he asked me if [redacted] said anything to me
    SD: i said no
    Me: hmmm.

    I have informed the Silent Designer that whoever he hires for the position must be hot with a great rack (must pass pencil test). Is that you? If so, we’re hiring.

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