Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Monday, March 12, 2007

In Which the Manwhore Becomes a Caricature of Himself

The following is a mass email the Manwhore sent to all of his friends to discuss a bachelor party he attended. In lieu of flat out bragging that he was, indeed, at a bachelor party this weekend, he disguised his glee as a set of "tips" for us should we ever be invited to one. Gee thanks, Manwhore.

The Manwhore's letter (the recipients of which were not blind copied), was appropriately followed by another of our friends who wanted to "thank" us all for being there for him the last few months as he was studying for the GMAT. "Thank you for your support, which allowed me to get the following scores [attached]." Bastards--both of them.


All,

I flew to Chicago for the weekend. One of my buddies is getting married and he had his Bachelor party out there. It was the first, though I am sure not the last Bachelor party I will be at. I learned a lot of key lessons about what to do or not do:

1). Don’t let the Bachelor keep his cell phone (no matter what he says).
[Translation: "He's going to try to call his woman. Hello, Bros before Hoes! That's why it's called a bachelor party! Woo!]

2). Have 1 person on Bachelor duty at all times or else you run the risk of not seeing him fall down stairs and off of cars (both times onto pavement).
[Translation: "We got sooo drunk, bra..."]

3). Don’t bring TOO much money.
[Translation: "These people clearly don't roll how I roll."]

Note: The Manwhore's a personal trainer; does not roll how he rolls either.


4). Have your Bachelor party in Vegas or Paris or something. Not in your home town. At your buddies house. It depresses everyone. Or, at least, depressed me.
[Translation: "There were no strippers. The groom is Mormon. Clearly not an expert partier like myself."]

5). Don’t try to take the Bachelor out afterwards. Especially if he is bleeding from more than one part of his face.
[Translation: "Dudes just can't hang with me. I tend to punch people when I'm drunk."]

-Manwhore

Please note that the Manwhore capitalizes "Bachelor" as if he's talking about "God." Perhaps this is because Bachelorhood is the Manwhore's religion? Amen.

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