Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Two days ago my boss asked me to come up with 10 feature length article ideas. While I obviously can't share my real ideas with you for fear of getting fired — prematurely, that is — I instead bring you 10 ideas that I'd much rather see in the mag.

The concept I'd like to slowly introduce into the magazine's genetic make-up is a kind of "US Weekly meets MAD magazine meets the Jerusalem Post" ensemble. No, I'm not kidding. Under my rule, the magazine would gradually evolve into a Jewish community tabloid (and really, every community deserves their own tabloid). I guarantee the already-impressive circulation numbers would skyrocket beyond comprehension. For it is true that those things being discussed secretively in the kitchens across the boroughs are a hell of a lot more interesting than anything the current rag has to offer. Gossip sells, my friends.

And, oh yeah, part of my campaign to increase our ciruculation can be accredited to the kind folks at AARP: The Magazine. Their marketing technique is absolutely brilliant. Everytime someone turns 50, AARP begins sending him/her magazines bi-monthly, thus making the new 50 year old an automatic "subscriber." In turn, advertisers are impressed and AARP gains major bragging rights (I believe they're currently competing only with Reader's Digest for title of "highest-circulated glossy." Then again, I could be terribly misguided). Anyhow, if I apply the same technique to our mag, and everyone gets a magazine upon turning to Judaism (birth!), our circulation numbers will easily be the largest in the industry. I hate to say it, but there are some small time thinkers here...

Rounding back to the articles. Think of the following ideas as only a small piece of what will be an all-encompassing proposal:

President George W. Bush versus Prime Minister Ehud Olmert: How Do They Measure Up?

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-This might benefit from an illustrated depiction of each, placed side by side. A comparison of foreign policy, governing style...and fashion instinct? These variables can be identified by simple arrows, which will point to the physical areas assumed responsible for the characteristic at hand. For instance, if we claim George Bush is too war hungry, we would depict this as resulting from his height disadvantage as well as his undesirable stature. (Are the majority of American Jews pro-Bush. by the way? With his whole pro-Israel schtick, I'm guessing he's a touchy subject. I can change this).

This whole MTA-based Jews for Jesus Advertising Campaign: What gives?

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-What does Jesus have to do with it anyway? And, are these so-called Jews looking for converts? Let's just say that I've never had a Jew knock on my door with a pamphlet before..

A special advertising feature with JDate

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-I wouldn't exactly call it revolutionary (okay, I would), but this is what dreams are made of: JDate would actually pay us to feature this month's hottest bachelors and bachelorettes. It's disguised advertising for them and a gimmick to attract more clients; i.e. attract more advertisers. Bonus: It looks like editorial...but it's not!

Celeb interviews (but more importantly, Celeb pics!)

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-Two words: Natalie. Portman.

Jews in the News

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Gawker recently reminded us that we're running out of cool Jews in this world. What we need is a celebrity spokesperson to represent us all again. Our past reign is declining due to not having proper representation. agrees, saying, "We've gone from badasses Lou Reed and James Caan to jackasses Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller. Where are the hip male Jews?"

I couldn't agree more. While at once we had Bob Dylan, now we have...Larry David? Intelligent and witty? Sure. But, a sexual icon? Well...

This one could also have a website component whereby readers are directed to a link where they can vote for _______ magazine's favorite Jewish celebrity. This will increase website traffic and lure the advertisers' money. Ultimately the elected Jew-lebrity will grace our cover and be interviewed (against my better judgement, which mandates having a different interview with Natalie Portman every issue).

Destination Israel.

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-Israel is [always] at war. Yet, us Jews can't seem to get enough of this illustrious travel destination. Learn how to dodge missiles, spot a Palestinean suicide bomber and how to strike back at those pesky stone-throwers.


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-Who was the mystery man spotted canoodling with Cindy Margolis at the Ivy in L.A.?
-Matisyahu attracting much female attention to Hasidic men. Related: Hasidic men rethinking their views on promiscuity.
-Jerry Seinfeld: Marriage on the rocks?
-Planet Earth to Alicia Silverstone: "Honey, get to the gym."
-Sarah Jessica Parker? Yep. She's a Jew too.
-Madge: Cut the charade already! (To use the Jewish religion for one's own self gain? Would you believe?)

I threatened to give you 10 story ideas.
I was bluffing.
You get 7.

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