Size Matters.

Yesterday the controller bought everyone lunch in celebration of his birthday (and this time he actually allowed the Publisher's Wife to partake).

The unofficial birthday game at our office consists of pretending that we care about the birthday boy/girl at hand. We do this by asking questions such as, What is your favorite memory from the past year? What do you want to do differently this coming year? What has been your favorite moment at the Unidentified Jewish Magazine?

The controller, as annoying as he usually is, truly does not get enough credit for his outstanding comedic timing. In answer to What is your favorite memory from the past year? our hero answered, "Before I came here, I was working at [redacted] magazine. There was a sales guy there who was bringin' in a million dollars a year and skimmin' $50,000 for himself."

"Did the Publisher know?" asked the Publisher's Wife with a sense of urgency, as if the pending answer would have the ability to legitimize her decision to fire two account executives in the last four months.

"Hell yes he knew. But did he care? No! What's he gonna do—fire a guy who puts $950,000 in his pocket every year? I mean, the publisher's not stupid."

The Publisher's Wife, sticking up for her own actions in a self-righteous sort of way, replied, "It doesn't matter, you have to teach him a lesson!"

The controller just chuckled. "Whatever."

He never did get around to telling us what his favorite memory was. Maybe he was in on the money laundering. Who knows? At least I know what my favorite memory is now: Watching the Publisher's Wife wallow in her own stupidity.