Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Monday, December 04, 2006

As previously mentioned, ever since I told the Manwhore where I was going for vacation,* he basically begged me to make him a photo documentary. So I, with the help of the girlfriend (my production assistant), have done exactly that.

There are quite a few disclaimers and asides for this one.

  • This post isn't X-rated or anything, but it might be dangerous to open at work. Unless, that is, your boss is appreciative of the female anatomy, in which case I highly advise it.

  • Only one of the girls pictured here had an attractive face.

  • Whatever you've heard about this country's women is completely false. Well, except for their bodies, which are out of control.

  • All of these pictures were taken the same day within a three-hour period

  • The moms are hotter than their twenty something-year old counterparts. Hands down.

  • The girlfriend took most of these pictures so that I wouldn't look like the perverted dirtbag with a camera (instead, she looked like the perverted dirtbag with a camera).

  • Only one of our subjects caught onto what we were doing.

  • One of my friends, Andre, from school lives down there and was with us this day. When asked about these girls' superhuman derriers, my friend told me that they do special exercises...oh yeah, and take steroids. The steroids, which contain testosterone-type substances (or testosterone-producing chemicals; I don't know how all of that works, really), make their jaws really wide. Since the girlfriend and I had previously noted that these girls had masculine faces, this really completed the picture for us.

  • What does this have to do with the content of this site? Nothing really. This is Manwhore Monday and basically anything goes. One Manwhore-relevant thing Andre did mention was an anecdote about his friend Bruno, who is basically the Manwhore's South American equivalent. Bruno has this theory: "They say that the girls here are the most beautiful in the world. Seeing as how I've hooked up with most of them, I must be one of the hottest guys in the world." Makes sense to me. I'll have to pass the line onto the North American Manwhore.

  • If I really had to tie this post into the subject matter, I'd mention something about how the JAP workout truly has nothing on the workout regimen (read: steroids) responsible for the images below. Well, except for the whole wolf-face bi-product thingy that the JAP workout, thankfully, doesn't elicit.

  • Oh yeah, the following few tidbits were relevant, or at least interesting.

  • - I told Andre that, the night before, we had gone out to eat at a really busy outdoor restaurant. When we got the check, I noticed that at the bottom of it was the word, "Gringos." I asked him if I should be offended. He replied that, "No, we don't have racism down here. It's not derogatory." He went into a story about how his Korean friend who lives down there was at a grocery store where he heard some girl saying about him, "Who's the cute little Jap?" He got pissed and yelled at her. His guy friends wanted to know what the hell was wrong with him. "She called me a Jap!" "Man, it's cool, she liked you."

    -Andre's bestfriend is a Jewish guy with the surname of Lago. The city is protected by a Statue of Liberty-sized Jesus Christ statue and people don't offer their families' many different lineages as a means of "identifying" with something. They are from their country, not an Italian, Spanish, German hybrid with a touch of Greekness.

    -Andre told me that the government's new policies were working in favor of promoting racism. Their social classes are divided more into rich and poor than into black and white, but the government is trying to offer its version of "equal opportunity" school funding to the black population. "It's stupid because basically everyone here can trace their family roots back far enough to show that they are somehow black. Now the lighter people are going to start resenting the darker people who are getting special priviledges. If anything they should offer the privileges to the lower income families in general, despite their skin color." Much agreed.

    -And speaking of stereotyping, or the lack thereof, there was a really obnoxious group of Italians from Jersey at a restaurant we went to. They were loud and had those horrible Joisey accents that I can't stand (can anyone?). In a stint of Italian pride, the alpha-Italian ordered the profiteroles in his native tongue (English with an Italian accent instead of a Joisey one). "The profiter-O-leeees!" Here I thought, "This is probably how people imagine me." Please don't. He and I are a different species.

    And without further ado, this one's for you, Manwhore. After all, it is Monday:

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    Nasty Face.

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    False Advertising.

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    Don't remember.

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    This is the one who knew exactly what we were doing even though we
    tried hard to pretend we were taking a picture of something else (perhaps
    the guy in Speedos who was standing right behind her?)

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    This girl was insanely beautiful--the only all together
    good-looking one we saw the whole trip.

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    I was intimidated even taking the pictures, so the girlfriend stole the
    camera and did it for me.I think the girlfriend was even more impressed than I was.

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    Didn't make any notes. Her steroids seem to be wearing off though.

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    I threw this one right in the middle to fake out the Manwhore.

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    Although I'm trying to remain anonymous, I'll admit that the guy on the right is me.

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    This was a mom!

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    He better have a damn good personality.

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    Tell really funny jokes, at least?

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    They look like they'd be pretty. Nope.

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    Not even kidding.

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    The girlfriend said she wishes she could look like that after giving birth.
    I told her she doesn't even look like that now. Just kidding-ish.

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    Settling for whatever we could find at this point.

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    And this brings us to the end of our story. Get it? End? Duh.

    *It just wouldn't make sense for me to announce the real destination nor the actual dates that this vacation took place. Sometimes a guy just needs a break so he has to make up vacation time and recycle old documentaries.

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