Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I feel official now. I think I'm going to change my site from FakeJew to HonoraryJew.

Amy Guth, author of Three Fallen Women, meme'd me for the fifth night of Chanukah.

I don't know what "meme" means, so I asked BaconJew. BaconJew had no idea what it meant either and reminded me that I'm a better Jew than he is. I agreed with him and that was that. Still, we don't know what meme means but we figured out some really tragic ways to use it:

"Meme me up, Scotty!"
"I didn't meme to hurt your feelings."
"It's you and meme and the bottle makes three tonight."

Um, yeah. While we're trying to figure that out, here's my Chanukah Q&A:

Ready, set... meme! (That was Amy's addition to the list, by the way).

1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren't already?). What would you add to them to dress them up,flavor and/or garnish them?

I'm so hungry right now.

I would sautee onions, garlic and mushrooms in butter and salt, then combine that with a potato and minced lamb. This concoction would compose the filling. We would have to have sauce though. For that, I'd reduce white wine, and combine the resulting reduction with butter, more garlic, sweated leeks & scallions, black truffle oil and heavy cream to make the ultimate latke sauce.

By the way, I've never had a latke, but this sounds damn good.

2. What is the dumbest thing you've ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

That you should send your mother a card on Chanukah, and I'm the one who said it.

3. What's the best possible use for olive oil?

I use olive oil on everything. The best thing, however, is to cut the top off of a whole clove of garlic, pour olive oil and salt & pepper inside it, wrap it up in aluminum foil and throw it in the oven for 45 minutes. When it comes out you can dig each individual pod out like paste and spread it on toasted bread (pumpernickel or wheat, thinly sliced and baked). While you're at it, add some brie cheese (melted, if possible), halved grapes, and mango chutney. May as well throw some more olive oil over the whole thing. You will not be dissappointed.

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which do you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Evidently I won't be discovering hammantashen until Purim. Like I said, I've never had a latke, but I like salty better than sweet so I imagine the latke would win hands down. I have no idea what the snuffaluffagus one is.

5. What's the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

All I know about a dreidel is that it's made out of clay and when it's dry and ready, oh dreidel I will play. However, alcohol can pretty much spice up any situation.

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the lives ofthree women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

Madonna, so we could swap tricks of the fake Jew trade. Just kidding. I wouldn't give her any latkes, nor could I stand to hear her speak. Let me think:

  • Zadie Smith, author of White Teeth, because she puts so many other writers (male and female) to shame.

  • My inner woman. One female reader thought I was a girl due to my Manwhore posts and a male reader said he wanted to, umm, do me. I have a feeling my inner woman is one sexy lady.

  • Angelina Jolie, because I couldn't think of anyone else quick enough and plus, I think she'd dig me.

  • 7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

    Absurdistan by Gary Shteyngart. I'm very proactive, though, so I'm going to get it for myself as a gift today.

    Update: Just bought it.

    8. What bloggers didn't participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

    Good question. Is Jewbiquitous in on the fun? I don't read too many blogs. Maybe Young Israelite or, if Heeb had a blog, that would probably be one of the funnier posts. Yo Yenta, who I linked to above, is another good one. Oh, and how can I forget good ol' Becca at Magic Jewball? And Baby Tyrone!

    Here are the other bloggers who are participating on today's tour:

    Want Some Cheese with that W(h)ine?
    The Shalvster
    True Ancestor

    Random Thoughts - Do They Have Meaning?

    This is Amy. Everybody say hello:

    See Amy write:

    Bye Amy!

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