Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Shown Above: Me, doing something very doctor-esque


Yesterday afternoon the Publisher's Wife managed to trump herself. No, I didn't know this was possible either. As you know, last week she called me to bitch about something during my lunch break. Yesterday, to my chagrin, she wasn't in the office. However, at about 4:30 she called to speak to me. I was in the restroom at this precise moment, but true to form I heard a knock at the door. "Out in a minute," I yelled. Here I heard the door open, followed by a woman's voice. It was the Secretary: "The Publisher's Wife is on the phone. I told her you were in here and she told me to come get you." Needless to say, what she was calling about was not important at all.

And this prompted me to do a little research concerning my earlier diagnosis. Here's what I found:

Symptoms of Menopause:

"Women gain an average of a pound a year after the age of 40."
This is an understatement. Check!

"Low sex drive is a common finding at menopause. Often this can be treated by testosterone supplementation."
Seeing as how she's an aging Jap, this has probably always been an issue. In regards to testosterone supplements, if she's taking them then that even further explains her five o'clock shadow. So, check!

"Those infamous hot flashes are one of the first signs of menopause they are difficult to treat but are usually short-lived."
Previously discussed. Check.

"Women who suffer from PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome),PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder)or depression are more likely to experience mood swings during menopause."
If there's supposed to be an upside, I haven't seen it yet. No check here.

"Memory Problems. Did you ever find yourself looking in the closet but not knowing what you are looking for only to remember what it was when you got back to the kitchen? You are not alone."
Considering the size of her tuchus* she has clearly been back and forth from the kitchen, and no she is not alone. That thing is a lifelong companion. Checkkkk!

In my professional opinion, she should discontinue coming to work indefinitely. I would hate to find out this stuff is contagious.


*Jewish vocab alert

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