Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Yesterday, our once-a-month status meeting lasted entirely way too long or I would have written. Actually, I attempted to start this post, but the Publisher's Wife kept on coming over to my desk, looking at my computer screen and asking me what I was working on. If she keeps pulling crap like that, you better believe the answer's going to be, "my resume." On that note, my New Year's resolution (I only have one) is to find a new job after a year here. I figure that I should experience every Jewish holiday and learn as much as I can before I go. Plus, a year is the minimum amount of time I like to have on my resume.

Anyway, I utilized my soapbox yesterday to again discuss boosting our internet traffic. Search Word optimization, online programs to engage readers, etc... We might be small, but we can create an illusion to the contrary. Plus, I don't think the Publisher yet realizes that his internet presence could be just as profitable as his print one. I spent a few days this week exploring sites that I admire and pinpointing the elements that intrigued me. I decided that our next initiative would be a simple, yet effective one. In the "About Us" section I want to add a "television" where each employee is featured briefly talking about his or herself. Most of the sites that have this feature belong to marketing or creative agencies. In these homemade videos, each employee is instructed to offer some totally "obscure" or "mysterious" fact ("I have a 125 pound pillow on my bed. It looks like a turtle") meant to make you think that they are a lot deeper than you and thus, very qualified to created a complex branding program for you. But that's besides the point. I started imagining what creative facts our staff would come up with to prove that they were funky, mentally-stimulated Jewish magazine workers who can effectively crank out stellar articles about the Shofar's ancient ritualistic roots...blindfolded. It will probably look something like this:


"Hmmm... Something people might not know about me? You mean, besides the fact that my husband looks like a troll? That's a tough question. Oh, I know. When I was young I ate shellfish at my goy friend's house and it really disagreed with me. Diarrhea for days. Years later, when I realized that my religion prohibits me from eating shellfish, it all started making sense. My body automatically rejects non-kosher foods. It's like body and soul are in sync or something."

Silent Designer

"My dog's name is 'Dog.' I don't see the point in systematically categorizing living things by assigning them with phonemes and chronemes. By the way, I am not Asian like the above picture seems to suggest. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being Asian. I'm just not one. I have a friend who is Asian."

The Publisher

"Are you talking to me? I can't hear you. I bought myself these here handy dandy earphones so that I could block out my wife, I mean, noise when I'm trying to work. Have I mentioned that I grew up on the streets in Israel. Throw a rock at me, bitch. I dare you."

The Publisher's Wife

"Around the office they call me Queen B. You know, like queen 'B'itch. That's because I don't take anybody's shit. People might think that I'm stupid or that I don't know what I'm doing but it's all strategic. You see, if people think you're dumb, they don't expect anything from you. And that, my dear, is when you strike."

The Secretary Who Reeks of Cigarettes

"Hell, they've been trying to fire for me ever since I started, but I've got so much blackmail on this family, I could destroy their entire legacy. Now, be a dear and pass me a ciggy, honey."

The Israeli Girl

"I was born and raised in Tel Aviv. I have two kids and a husband. We live in Brooklyn. What else do you want to know? I don't get it."

On second thought, this strategy will not win us any fans.

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