Hell, the bear can come too if he (she?) wants

An open letter to Gary Shteyngart. I figure this is relevant to the site because Gary's Jewish(ish) and well, I dig the guy's writing.

I know Gary will get this letter/humble invite because he Googles himself (don’t we all?)

Now, how could I possibly know this? Well, aside from a simple educated guess based on my own self-absorbed activity? Here goes: Someone came to my site after googling “Gary Shteyngart” and found me on the 50th page of results. Now, I’m as dedicated a fan as they come and not even I would look as far as the 50th page of results. An alternative theory is that Gary keeps his name on Google Alert, which again, is not a practice we should condemn. It is important to know what dim-witted crap is being uttered about you at all times. In summary, I know that the visit in question was good ol’ Gar (Can I call you that, Gar?)

That said:

Gary,

I don’t want to ask you any deep questions or interview you or put a piece about you in this god awful magazine that I slave at daily, I just want to have a few drinks. We both live in New York. We both like to drink. It’s simple logic. Plus, I’ll pay. I know nary a Russian who could turn down such a generous offer.

Anyway, let me know. My email is over there on the right.

Sincerely,
NCJP

P.S. If you drink as much as you did this day, we’ll have to work out a deal. Like, I’ll get your first few drinks and you’re on your own after about 5 or 6.

These people interviewed him, so that I don't have to (I can just drink with him and leave the pedantic questions to the experts):

Powell's

The Forward ("Six Degrees of Treyf")

...and many more.

In other news:

• The girl at the bagel shop has recently upped the anty, making my price $4.50. Last time I wrote, the price was at $4.10. I was originally paying $2.50, while full price is $6.50.
• The Secretary hasn't noticed that OrthoJew stole her mug.
• The mailroom girl hasn't apologized.