Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Liveblogging from 9AM to 9:23AM

9:00AM: Boss isn’t in yet. Colleagues gathered in mini-kitchen. Talking about the episode of Drawn Together where Xandir realizes he’s gay. Something about him rubbing off the genie’s lamp so that he can make a wish to reverse his gayness.

9:02AM: I mention that my night consisted of selling a broken dresser to someone under the guise that it was in good condition. Male colleague gives me a hi-five. “Hey, it’s business. If the guy was stupid enough not to check it out, then he deserves it.” I agree wholeheartedly.

9:05AM: Still no sign of the boss. Mini-kitchen remains official discussion round table. Seemingly disinterested in the dresser conversation, the silent designer walks out. Two of my colleagues (another designer and a sales guy) look at each other like they know something. Spill it.

9:06AM: What they know is this: The in-kitchen designer hopped onto the silent-designer’s computer yesterday to grab a file and what should magically appear? His revised resume. Yup. The silent designer evidently can’t stand it here.

9:10AM: The redheaded girl with the annoying Long Island accent is trying to explain to the Israeli girl the difference between a J.A.P. and a Jap. “A J.A.P. is a Jewish American Princess. A Jap, on the other hand, is a Japanese guy who fought in WWII. Or actually, just any Japanese person.”

9:12AM: The older secretary, who reeks of cigarettes, comes into say that she just talked to the publisher and he won’t be in for another hour. But we don’t know that. He told her not to make that information public. Good thing she gave us that disclaimer. I would have readily alerted the media. This is front page material all the way.

9:13AM: The secretary makes a lewd comment about the publisher's wife. Says that her name rhymes with that of a particular female sex organ. We are way ahead of her.

9:14AM: The Israeli girl still doesn’t understand the “J.A.P. versus Jap” relationship. The redheaded girl with the annoying Long Island accent has been trying to avoid mentioning the stereotype that Jewish girls are often spoiled, lazy and obnoxious like princesses, but now she must. The Israeli girl does not seem amused. “Not only Jewish girls are like that.”

Saved by the entrance of the gardening knee pad girl, the redheaded girl with the annoying Long Island accent inquires as to whether or not the long distance boyfriend had received his gift yet. He has and he said it was the best gift anyone had ever given him.

The Israeli girl asks why the gardening knee pad girl gave her boyfriend a gardening knee pad. The redheaded girl with the annoying Long Island accent shoots the gardening knee pad girl a look as if to say, “You handle this one.”

9:17AM: Gardening knee pad girl handles this one without an ounce of shame, talking about how she spent a lot of time on her knees when she visited him and she realized why her knees hurt when she returned. She bought a knee pad so that she could avoid the pain in the future.

9:18AM: I’m in love.

9:18AM: The Israeli girl’s inability to understand, well, anything is working to reserve her position as the butt of many future jokes.

9:19AM: The in-kitchen designer is peaking behind the wall over at the silent designer’s desk. If the silent-designer quits, this could mean a promotion for this guy. This guy is clearly considering the possibilities.

9:20AM: The cigarette smoke-laden secretary is too old for this gossip. She also seems to feel sorry for the Israeli girl and might even be a bit scared that the boss will come in earlier than he indicated. Walks out.

9:22AM: I decide that maybe I am also too old for this gossip. But moreover, I don’t want anyone to take this opportunity to ask me any questions to which I don’t have an answer.

I go to my computer. Stare. Think about getting on MediaBistro or Craigslist to look for a new job, but decide that the humor here is classic. The new job can hold off as long as there is a raise scheduled for the near-future. Clearly I’m deserving of one.

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