Not Chosen, Just Posin'

I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I'm not Jewish. They think I am.


Monday, November 13, 2006


I have tons to tell you in little time. I'm going to be in and out of the office today doing some photo shoot with my photographer friend. You might remember him as the guy who the Publisher's Wife accused -- behind his back -- of being "in denial" about his sexuality. Anyway, he has nothing to do with this post.

I should warn you now, I am repeating an uncensored Manwhore monologue below. If you get offended easily, you should totally read it.

I brought the Silent Designer out with me and the Manwhore on Saturday night. The night catered to much enlightenment. First of all, the Silent Designer told me that he talked to SuperJew and that she might be coming back to the magazine. He still doesn't know that I know they are (were?) dating, so I mentioned how hot she is just to mess with him. He didn't so much as flinch.

This is huge and could mean a variety of things:

1). Someone is getting fired to make up for her arrival (OrthoJew?)
2). The Silent Designer and her broke up? (Remember: The Publisher has a policy against people in the office dating, which is why she left in the first place according to the Secretary Who Reeks of Cigarettes)
3). More presents. Remember those gift bags she gave us on her last day? She totally needs to win us back by doing something similar.

All speculation, of course. So, back to Saturday night. The Silent Designer showed up at my place to predrink before the Manwhore did. I briefed the Silent Designer on the Manwhore, as is pretty much necessary considering his oddities. I told him the truth: The Manwhore is pretending he's Jewish to sleep with an Israeli girl. No big deal. I laughed. The Silent Designer wasn't a big fan of this fact, and said as much, "How can any self-respecting Jewish man allow his friend to do such a thing?"

"Well, he's not planning to marry her, so I think it's funny. Plus, she's bisexual and even strippers don't want her. Oh yeah, pretty annoying too. The tribe could stand to let her go. She's not good for marketing."

Somehow this convinced the Silent Designer that the Manwhore's actions were okay. Especially considering that for all intents and purposes, this chick really isn't necessarily worth salvaging.

The Manwhore walked in right on cue. He's one of those guys that you just can't not like. He has tons of energy, is never in a bad mood and is consistently the life of the party. He's that guy who picks up girls at bars and throws them on his shoulders while he dances. He calls this move "jacking a girl up." In context: "I'm gonna jack up some girls tonight." One of his most famous moves is grabbing a girl's drink, taking a sip and handing it back to her before she even knows what happened. Somehow this is an effective conversation starter. Needless to say, the Silent Designer liked him immediately.

The Manwhore knows better than to blab about my situation. In fact, he finds the whole thing boring and not conversation-worthy, so I didn't have to worry about him opening his mouth about it. Honestly, unless the conversation is about girls or baseball, he's not interested. And this is what this post is about - a conversation with the Manwhore.

Evidently the Israeli girl broke up with him, citing "promiscuity" as the reason. She accused him of being too into threesomes and other things that respectable, uh-hem, girls like herself don't approve of.

Here was his defense (intended for her, not us, because we know better than to believe any of the following):

"First of all, I’m not 'all into threesomes.' I’ve only had one, and that was at the suggestion of these two crazy lesbians I was with. Seriously.

"Second, did it ever occur to you that I could be the one getting played? I mean all these girls come to me and are like, 'it’s my birthday; fuck me?' 'I really need to get laid; can you help?'; 'My boyfriend hasn’t had sex with me in 5 years; can you work my tight little box?'; and I’m all like, 'Well I guess Big Daddy would never let down a lady in distress -- wink, wink'; but afterward they go straight escort style on me, i.e., 'Thanks for everything -- laaaate!' So I think they’re the players."

It was the perfect scenario for the Silent Designer to be subjected to. "Manwhore 101" as far as I'm concerned. I don't know if the Silent Designer and SuperJew officially broke up, but if so, maybe the Manwhore made him a bit more excited about re-entering singledom.

Updates to come.

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