"Boy, that SuperJew is really something, isn't she?"
"Yeah, Bob, but more importantly - do you think my mullet will ever come back in style?"

When I start my Jewish tabloid, I’m going to include some kind of an “Around the Water Cooler” gossip section. Only it won’t be called “Around the Water Cooler,” because, you know, that would be kind of cliché. I won’t use a related journalistic pun either. In fact, maybe I’ll just call it the 'Gossip Page' since less is more and all that.

But that's all besides the point. If I already had my tabloid up and running, this is what today’s gossip column would contain:

Headline: The reason SuperJew left is because she is dating the Silent Designer!

Related Story: According to a source*, the Publisher has a ‘No Dating Between Colleagues’ policy. SuperJew and the Silent Designer have been hot and heavy for a few months now. Evidently the Publisher found out, brought the two of them into his office and gave them some kind of ultimatum. And this, folks, is the reason the Silent Designer was looking for a new job (despite prior claims that he was leaving because the Publisher’s Wife annoys him). If you remember, he fed me that line as we crossed streams in the bathroom a few weeks ago.

But enough about them, what does this mean for us?

First off, it means that SuperJew is not dead. Deep in my heart of hearts, I knew she’d be back.

Second, she used us! As I suspected, the gift bags were part of a larger scheme. They were not a product of her altruism; they were a means to an end. My guess is that the gift bags served as a sort of “public dowry.” Yes, she was trying to further win the Silent Designer’s affection by publicly displaying her wealth for all to see. She really plays dirty.

Third, the Silent Designer is probably going to be staying after all. I assume that when the Publisher gave him and SuperJew the ultimatum, they both started looking for jobs. Whoever got one first, left.

Lastly, now I have major blackmail. I don’t know what I can possibly use this information for, but I will think of something. Oh, yes.

In Related News, I went to spend the $50 Tiffany's gift certificate that SuperJew put in our gift bags/public dowry. As it turns out, you can't really buy anything at Tiffany's for $50. Well, except some wine glasses:

And, by "some wine glasses," I mean "one wine glass," because a single glass at Tiffany's costs $40. And while beggars certainly cannot be choosers, SuperJew better cover her bases if she wants to use us properly. Else I'm forced to drink alone, which I'm, like, so totally above. And, anyway, I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to dowry. I think I'd prefer a cow next time.

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*Source: The Secretary Who Reeks of Cigarettes.